One Star

An absolutely unbiased review of Urban Vegan Kitchen.

I just want to start out by saying that I hate vegans and everything they stand for. Compassion. Health. Spirituality. Evolving into a better world for all species. I'm just not that guy. I like cheese too much. And before you start, YES, I know where cheese comes from. I just choose not to think about it. It's called freedom.

So believe me when I tell you, I'm typically not the type of person to write a review, especially about a so-called "vegan restaurant." But my experience at Urban Vegan Kitchen left me no choice. First of all, I never would've stepped foot into this place, but they tricked me by having a photo of Tom Waits on the wall. So naturally my first thought was, Okay, this is my type of place.

I walk through the door and immediately TWO people warmly greet me. "Hey! Welcome!" How obnoxious. As the overly welcoming host walks me to my table, I start looking around. Public Enemy. Rage Against the Machine. A classic Bernard King jersey. Okay... maybe this place isn't so bad. Then I notice the logo and realize it's based on the old-school NYC subway token. Now they're really getting me. Tom Waits, Bernard King AND the subway token? Whoever owns this place clearly understands New York.

Then I look a little closer. URBAN VEGAN KITCHEN. Wait. VEGAN??? I almost gagged. They took the sacred NYC subway token and put the word VEGAN on it? Is that even legal? I'm pretty sure the MTA can arrest you for that. Then the server hands me the menu and there it is again. VEGAN. Nah. I don't do vegan.

I'm literally about to get up and leave when they have the audacity to start playing "Heartbeat," the old-school NYC dance anthem. Damn. Now I can't leave. At least not until the song is over. Those who know, know. So I figure I might as well look at the menu. Wings? A burger? Scallopini? These people really think they can just take a bunch of my favorite foods and represent them in a "different way." Nah. A burger is a burger. I don't care how well you season it, how you cook it, or what kind of fancy bun you put it on. IT'S NOT MEAT.

I'm seriously ready to walk out when TKA starts playing. Now I'm getting suspicious. Is this a joke? Is this some weird AI trick? Is their Apple Music somehow tapped into my brain? How would these people even know who TKA is? Aren't vegans supposed to be listening to weird alien ambient sound-bowl music? Now I can't leave. Again. So I tell the waitress, "Whatever. Bring me the best sellers." Let's see what you got.

Korean BBQ Wings

Wait. This isn't a Korean restaurant. So why do they have Korean Wings? I thought these people were against "appropriation." When I confront the waitress about this, she calmly explains that the menu "represents some of the best comfort foods from around the world through a vegan lens." Of course it does. Everything needs a mission statement.

Can't front though. The wings were okay. I mean, I ate all of them, but that's because I was hungry. Don't read into it. I did ask the waitress if there were any more. NOT because I liked them. I just wanted to verify something.

Chick-un & Waffles

Chick-un? How corny. IT'S NOT CHICKEN!!! Please stop calling it chicken. It's not chicken. But seriously... how the hell do they make it taste like chicken? Why go through all this trouble? You obviously love the taste of chicken, so JUST EAT THE REAL THING.

I get it. Chickens are treated horribly. But so am I. By dumb vegans. So WHO CARES? Regardless... it was good. Actually, very good. Which annoyed me.

You Need to Chill

Then the waitress suggests I try their You Need to Chill Tea. Excuse me? Now they're telling me what to do? Apparently they make their own "curated teas." CURATED?! Curate this!!! Just give me tea. Regular tea. Does EVERYTHING have to make me feel better? Does everything have to improve my life? Can't I just be regular? Apparently not.

So I drink the stupid tea and sit there waiting for something to happen. Nothing. I finish my food. Still nothing. Then about twenty minutes later I realize I've been sitting there listening to the music, staring at the Tom Waits picture, and having a perfectly pleasant conversation with the people at the table next to me. Wait a minute. I'm... relaxed? Now I'm REALLY pissed.

By this point I've finished the tea and, I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling pretty chill. Which pissed me off even more. What are we, hippies now? Gurus? If that's what they're going for, why is there graffiti all over the walls? IS GRAFFITI HEALTHY??? I'm so confused.

The Drinks

At this point I was ready to leave. I'd eaten the wings. I'd eaten the Chick-un & Waffles. I'd been forced to "chill." Enough. I definitely wasn't drinking.

Then the waitress tells me they have $10 drink specials every night. Of course they do. TEN DOLLARS? In Manhattan? Now I'm starting to think these people have a personal problem with me. I'm trying to make responsible decisions here.

Then I notice they have a whole mocktail menu too. Great. So apparently even if I DON'T want alcohol, I still have to sit here drinking something with fresh juice, herbs, and God knows what else designed to "elevate" me. Can I just make ONE bad decision for myself? Does everything in this place have to be better?

So anyway... I ordered two cocktails. Not because they were good. I'm just not used to being able to afford more than one drink in Manhattan. I wanted to see what it felt like. For research purposes.

The Verdict

At this point, I had been there almost three hours. THREE HOURS. I came in expecting a bunch of preachy vegans eating sprouts while listening to whale noises. Instead, I've got Korean Wings, Chick-un & Waffles, cocktails, old-school New York music, graffiti, Tom Waits, Public Enemy, Bernard King, a subway-token logo that has been desecrated by the word VEGAN, and some stupid tea that's apparently convinced my nervous system to stop hating everybody for twenty minutes.

I don't understand this place. And that's my biggest problem with it.

Anyway... ONE STAR. Food was good. Music was great. Staff was annoyingly friendly. Drinks were affordable, which frankly seems irresponsible in Manhattan. Stayed almost three hours.

Will probably be back Thursday. Apparently they have live blues music now. Of course they do. I'm only going back because somebody needs to heckle the band. These people are getting way too comfortable.

ONE STAR. See you Thursday.

— Hank Chinasty
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